about 5 weeks ago ryan came up to me out of the blue and said "mommy, i don't want any more of us. i don't want another sister, or a brother." i thought that this was very strange because we have never even discussed having more siblings with him. it really made me start thinking about if i really wanted another baby. i have told myself for a long time that if i wasn't pregnant by the time i was 37 (which is next month. YIKES! man that sounds old), i would stop trying. it sounded like a good plan, and it seemed reasonable. well, a week and a half ago i found out i was pregnant. you all know i would never tell you the big news in my blog, so i'm assuming you guessed the worst. yep, i miscarried today. the third time this year. i didn't tell any of you i was pregnant because of my excellent track record. it's kind of crazy because when ryan said that to me, i was pregnant and just didn't know it. maybe he did, and he was preparing me. so now i am very confused. i was starting to let myself go to the "if it's a boy...... and if it's a girl...." and i was getting excited that i had met my deadline. i don't think i have ever heard of anyone having 3 miscarriages in a row. how am i supposed to get myself to a place where i won't regret not having a third child (if i am ever able to, my odds haven't been that great- 6 pregnancies and only 2 kids). that said, i am absolutely CRAZY about ryan and emily, and love them so much. i guess i should just be grateful for the 2 i have, not the 3rd i wish i had, and stop worrying about my deadline, and let nature take it's course (except i feel like 37 is a little old to be having a baby). every time i find out that someone is pregnant i find myself getting so jealous, and mad at myself. that in itself should tell me that i do want another baby. maybe i will just have to ditch my self imposed deadline. i guess on the bright side, if i am not able to have a 3rd, think of how much more money i would have to buy emily more shoes!
p.s. thanks naima and john for the picture!
5 comments:
Oh, Amy I am so sorry! I know what it is like to want to be pregnant and it doesn't work out the way you want it too! I actually found out that I miscarried back in Sept. but I didn't really tell anyone, because I didn't know that I was yet, and I was having some problems and lots of bleeding and when I went to the doctor, he told me that it was a miscarriage. I am the same way, when I hear other people getting pregnant it is hard to not be so jealous of them! I keep thinking what if Ethan and Hannah are my only two kids. And it makes me sad because I didn't prepare myself with Hannah to be my last. I totally want more! But who knows! I guess we have to leave it in the Lord's hands! We are looking forward to seeing you this weekend! Ethan can hardly wait to play star wars with Ryan! Oh and I have meaning to tell you that everytime I put a skirt on Hannah she says "like Emily"! It is so fun to have the kids get together!
Oh Amy, my heart is broken over here. I have no words to express how I am feeling for you. Just know that you are being prayed for and thought of. If only that would be enough right? Hang in there. Nat
Aim, I'm so sorry. 37 really isn't that old. But like what Kristy said, you probably just need to put it in the Lord's hands. He truly knows the desires of your heart. It's like you say, "if it be your will..." and that's hard to do, but I know for a fact that it works. The Lord only blesses up! Plus the two kids you do have are such dang cute stinkers. And you have one boy and one girl, one of each! We will keep you in our prayers too. I hope that you are doing okay. I love you! We are excited to see you guys this weekend too. Bring snow clothes!
Hi Amy,
You don't know me but I saw your comment on Melissa's blog and just wanted to say that I think we were twins separated at birth. Almost. I am 41 (didn't get married 'til I was 37, had my son at 38 and have been trying to get pregnant since). I kept telling myself after my son was born that I was going to be pregnant/have a 2nd baby before I was 40. Had a miscarriage instead so gave myself the deadline of before I turned 41. Had another miscarriage and am still trying. Granted, getting older makes the pregnancy or chances of getting pregnant more difficult but please don't sell yourself short. If you want another baby and your husband is on board then you should do it and if it happens, great! If not, that's okay too, like you said. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know what you're going through and will be your cheerleader!
Hey Aim. I am so sorry. Seriously. My heart breaks for you. I know we have had our past struggles (thanks to me) but I still think about you constantly. I really hope things work out the way you want them to. My blog is private so message me on FB so I can add you to read my blog.
Good luck. We will keep you in our prayers. Love you!
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